Big Brother Launch Night: Muppet by Muppet Guide

Big Brother is back with an exciting new set of idiots ready to be humiliated on national television. Of course, you could argue that BB is an important social experiment but its only been going an hour and they’ve already made Noirin have her eyebrows shaved off before getting a moustache and glasses drawn on her face in permanent marker in order to earn housemate status.

Here’s my guide to this year’s contestants:

Freddie

Token posh bloke who lives in a palatial home in the country. His hypothesis is that he’s the coolest guy in the room. Sadly seems to be a lot closer to Tim-Nice-But-Dim.

Lisa

Middle-aged mohicaned lesbian from Birmingham . Reckons she will be ‘Hugh Hefner in the tub.’ Frightening.

Sophie/ Karly/ Noirin

The wannabe WAGs. Appearing in a copy of Nuts magazine near you in about six weeks time.

Kris

Definately the biggest tit on the show (no mean feat). Dresses like he is in The Kooks- skinny jeans, tousled hair, the lot. Everything that is wrong with modern masculinity today in my opinion. Although to be fair to him he made a pretty funny comment when he made his grand entrance to the house- “Smells like Allied Carpets in here.”

Cairon

American teenager who has definate potential to be a legend and bring a few people down to size. When asked if he was gay- “I feel kind of weird wiping my own ass.”

Angel

Absolutely crazy Russian professional boxer who used to be in a rock band. Arrived into the house carrying a cane and in a top hat performing some kind of weird Chaplinesque mime. Could easily imagine her as a Roger Moore-era Bond villian.

Marcus

35 year old window fitter who models himself on Wolverine and had easily the funniest intro-video.  “The things I do are fucking heroic” although he would like to clarify that he’s an action hero, not a superhero (that would just be silly). These heroic gestures include setting fire to his own face. His nickname is Dark Horse. Hope he wins to be fair.

Beinazir

The show’s first Pakistani Muslim woman who managed to namecheck Beinazir Bhutto about 10 times in two minutes. Seems pretty funny- described as celebrity lookalike (quite accurately) as Amy Winehouse. Definately one of the first to get involved in a screaming row with someone I reckon.

Sophia

 She hates WAGs and is a ‘passionate Eurosceptic.’ Also a midget.

 Rodrigo

Bisexual brazilian student who is full of happiness and wide-eyed wonder with the world.  This attitude is highly unlikely to last long in BB.. he’ll be in tears at some point by the end of the week.

Charlie

Gay Geordie chav. Apparently if Botox doesn’t work for him when he gets to 50 he’s just going to have a full face transplant.

Saffia

Man-hating dental nurse and mother-of-two who would consider lesbianism while in the house. Despite her feminist beliefs, she is willing to make an exception for Philip Schofield, who she thinks should get a knighthood for services to television.

Sree

Indian student whose parents dictate his life, from what shoes and trousers he wears to who he may eventually marry. His belief that England is a fantastic country full of wonderful people will be severly tested over the next few weeks.

Siavash

A challenger to Kris in the arsehole stakes. An event organiser, stylist and model he does “what rockers pretend to do.” He has the world’s stupiest moustache and beard combo and is allegedly mates with Usher. A man best summed up by the fact his favourite word is Siavash. 

 

So that’s all the 16 contestants, who prove the well-known saying ’A man tired of Big Brother is tired of life.’ Happy viewing!